And now...
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
That's rather a personal question, sir.
You stupid git.
I meant how long we've been in the lifeboat.
- You've spoiled the atmosphere now. - I'm sorry.
Shut up! We'll have to start again.
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
- Thirty-three days, sir. - Thirty-three days.
I don't think we can hold out much longer.
- Don't think I did spoil the atmosphere. - Shut up!
- I'm sorry, I don't think I did. - Of course you did!
Do you think I spoiled the atmosphere?
- Well, I think... - Look, shut up! Shut up!
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
- Thirty-three days. - Have we started again?
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
- Thirty-three days, sir. - Thirty-three days?
Yes. We can't hold out much longer.
We haven't had any food since the fifth day.
- We're done for! We're done for! - Shut up, Maudling!
We've just gotta keep hoping someone will find us.
- How are you feeling, captain? - Not so good.
- I feel so weak. - We can't hold out much longer.
Listen, chaps, there's one last chance.
I'm done for. I've got a gammy leg and I'm going fast. I'll never get through.
But some of you might.
So you'd better eat me.
- Eat you, sir? - Yes. Eat me.
With a gammy leg?
You don't have to eat the leg, Thompson.
There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.
- It's not just the leg, sir. - What do you mean?
- Well, sir, it's just that... - Why don't you want to eat me?
- I'd rather eat Johnson, sir. - Oh, so would I, sir.
- I see. - Well, it's settled.
- Everyone eats me. - Well, I...
- What, sir? - No, no. You go ahead. I won't...
Nonsense, nonsense, sir. You're starving. Tuck in.
- No, it's not just that. - What's the matter with Johnson, sir?
Well, he's not kosher.
Depends how we kill him, sir.
Yes, yes, I see that.
But, well, to be quite frank, I like my meat a little more lean.
- I'd rather eat Hodges. - Oh, well, all right.
No, I still prefer to eat Johnson.
I wish you'd stop bickering and eat me.
Look, I tell you what.
Why don't those of us who want to, eat Johnson?
Then you, sir, can eat my leg.
And then we can make a stock of the captain.
And then, after that, we can eat the rest of Johnson cold for supper.
- Good thinking, Hodges. - Finish off with peaches.
And we can start off with the avocados.
- Yeah. - Waitress?
Waitress, we've decided now.
We're going to have a leg of Hodges...
Dear sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience...
...disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I.
As a naval officer, I abhor the implication...
...that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism.
It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control.
It is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area.
And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden? Arabs?
Yours et cetera, Captain B.J. Smethwick...
...in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop this cannibalism.
Let's have a sketch about clean, decent human beings.
Stand and deliver!
Drop that gun!
Let that be a warning to you all.
You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here.
I know one of them isn't loaded anymore, but the other one is.
So that's one of you dead for sure.
Well, just about for sure, anyway.
It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it...
...because I'm a very good shot. I practise every day.
Well, not absolutely every day. Most days in the week.
I expect I must practise four or five times a week.
At least“ At least four or five. Only some weekends...
Last weekend, there wasn't much time, so that moves the average down a bit.
But I should say...
...it's definitely a solid four days practise every week.
At least. I mean, I reckon I could hit that tree over there.
The one behind the hillock.
Not the big hillock, the little hillock on the left.
You see the three trees?
The third from the left and back a bit, that one...
...I reckon I could hit that four times out of five.
On a good day.
Say, with this wind, say seven times out of 10.
- What? That tree there? - Which one?
The big beech with the sort of bare branch coming out of the top left.
- No, no, not that one. - No, no. He means the one over there.
- Look. Do you see that one there? - Yeah.
- Well, now go two along to the right. - Just near that little bush.
- Well, it's the one just behind it. - The elm.
No, that's not an elm. An elm's got sort of great clumps of leaves like that.
That's either a beech or a...
...a hornbeam.
- A hornbeam? - No, not a hornbeam.
What's the tree that has a leaf with sort of regular veins coming out?
Then the veins go all the way out to the...?
- Serrated. - To the serrated edges.
- A willow. - Oh, that's right.
That's nothing like a willow.
Well, it doesn't matter, anyway.
I could hit it seven times out of 10, that's the point.
- Never a willow. - Shut up!
This is a holdup, not a botany lesson.
Right, now, my fine friends.
No false moves, please.
I want you to hand over all the lupines you've got.
- Lupines? - Yes, lupines. Come on, come on.
What do you mean, "lupines"?
Don't try and play for time.
- I'm not. You mean, the flower lupines? - Yes, that's right.
- Well, we haven't got any lupines. - Honestly.
Look, my fine friends, I happen to know that this is the Lupine Express.
You must be out of your tiny mind.
Get out of the coach. Come on, get out.
Just as I thought.
Not clever enough, my fine friends.
Come on, Concorde.
Well, so much for the lupines.
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Galloping through the sward
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore And his horse, Concorde
He steals from the rich And gives to the poor
Mr. Moore
- Mr. Moore - Here we are.
- I'll be back. - Mr. Moore